book three: freefall to fly (and giveaway!)

Book three in my "Year of Reading" challenge brought new delight to my reading adventures: the chance to read a book written by a friend! Rebekah Lyons shared her own writing journey with me as we sat together in Bryant Park last September, on my first-ever visit to New York City. As we looked out over the lush green lawns of the park, skyscrapers towering on each side, I was charmed by the landscape that I had dreamt of for so many years from movies, books and photographs. And I was charmed, too, by my kind, attentive friend, more of an acquaintance back then, who spoke openly about writing this first book and her experiences living in NYC. I knew right then that I could not wait to read this book!

I was honored with the chance to read a pre-release version of Freefall to Fly a couple of months ago, and Rebekah's story and words have lingered in my heart and mind since. Her book tells the story of her life- her recent move from Atlanta to NYC, her journey into womanhood and motherhood, her experiences battling anxiety and depression, and most of all, her quest for meaning and purpose. Her learnings continue to speak into many small moments in my daily life, whisper-reminders of value and purpose and meaning. I read the book in just two sittings - it captivated and engaged me deeply. Rebekah's writing is lyrical and poetic, yet achingly honest and raw. As she shares the story of her own quest for meaning, she contrasts a world of ideals and dreams with the real daily lives many people lead. She shares the painful journey she followed in order to challenge those contrasts, to find a way to 'have it all' in the most true sense, by living more honestly. She speaks openly  of the difficulties of motherhood. She speaks vulnerably about the pain of mental illness, both in each of us and in those we love. She shares the tumultuous inner path of discovery that led her to question everything about her life and specifically, her faith. She asks brave questions and seeks real, lasting answers. As I finished reading this book, I felt comforted, inspired, and most of all, not alone. 

In my own life's journey, the concept of spiritual faith and my personal beliefs have been muddied heavily through abuse and hypocrisy. With each passing year, I am given new gifts of clarity and purpose which are fueled and nurtured by my faith. But I still feel fragile, and I am not often likely to pick up books about faith, for fear that I will encounter more of those same things that have hurt me so deeply in the past. What I loved about Freefall to Fly is that Rebekah speaks as a real, down-to-earth human first and foremost. In her journey, she finds comfort, meaning, and purpose in her faith, but she shares the moments of ultimate contrast, too, when she was terrified, lost, and uncertain of how to continue at all. My own faith has been strengthened and inspired by her journey. Whether or not a reader shares Rebekah's faith, they will share Rebekah's fears, hopes, dreams and challenges, as they resonate with the vulnerability in her words. 

In addition to the amazingly gorgeous chalk art cover by the incredible Dana Tanamachi and absolutely beautiful page design within, I loved Rebekah's use of musical terms to punctuate her story: prelude, interlude, and postlude. And here is one of my favorite passages, from the chapter called "Park Avenue Meltdown":

I was reminded by a dear friend, 'If you are in hell, keep walking.' Because somewhere along the way, if you stay in the place where your heart breaks and you put one foot in front of the other, the darkness will eventually lift. The crack of light will burst forth on the horizon, far, far away. It will be the slightest breath of hope... You won't know what that light will yield, but the mere fact that it is light will be enough. 

It will keep you going.   

Freefall to Fly officially releases today, and you can learn more about Rebekah and her book here! With each copy of the book, you will receive some extra bonus gifts, too, including an original art print download by Dana Tanamachi, $5 TOMS gift card, and Freefall to Fly digital soundtrack (which includes music by my amazing husband, Ryan O'Neal of Sleeping At Last!). Also, Rebekah is offering a free sample download of the first chapter to anyone who subscribes to her blog here!

In honor of the book's release, I am delighted to be hosting my very first giveaway here on my blog!! For a chance to win your very own autographed copy of Freefall to Fly, please post a comment below, sharing why you are excited to read it! The giveaway will be open until Monday, April 22nd, and I will post the winner's name here on Tuesday, April 23rd! The winner will have three days to reply by email with their address, otherwise another winner will be chosen. Excited to hear your thoughts about this book and SO excited to choose a lucky winner soon! 

book two: how to breathe underwater

So far, 2013 has been a great year for my goal-setting and achieving. I will post soon about some of those goals in more detail, but for now, I am eager to get back to sharing some books with you!! I am happy to report that although it may not seem like it here on the blog, since I have been absent awhile, I am still making good strides in my "Year of Reading" Challenge! I am not quite caught up to my average two books per month goal, but I am pretty close and determined to keep working to catch up...

One of my different guidelines this year from previous years is to remove rules that might limit my reading enjoyment. And the second book I read this year is an example of that. As I mentioned in my post about The Great Gatsby, I find that I really avoid re-reading books, and especially works of fiction. Somehow, reading a book a second time feels like a potential "waste" of my time, since I could be reading something new in that time, instead. But I have heard it recommended SO often by other readers and writers that it is really important to embrace re-reading. So much can be gained from a second reading, just like watching a movie for a second or third or millionth time (as I may have been known to do over the past ten plus years, perhaps embarrassingly, with "You've Got Mail"). You might catch new details, or understand the way the writer weaves their story with new insight, now that you know where they're going in the end. So I embraced re-reading with Gatsby, and now a second time with Book Two of my Reading Challenge.

I first read How to Breathe Underwater, a collection of short stories by the incredible Julie Orringer, at least ten years ago. The collection was hand-picked for me by my friend Katie, also a writer, who was kind enough to share her own passion for reading with me by curating a personal selection of reading suggestions. I had not read many short story collections before this one, save the stories and excerpts assigned for class readings in my college literature courses. I was skeptical about embracing this foreign form, having fallen so hard for the indulgences gained in reading lengthy novels. But I was captivated by Ms. Orringer's writing from the very first story in the collection.

Re-reading this collection of stories did NOT disappoint. And to say it much better (though not more eloquently), these stories absolutely blew my mind. I am so much further along my own writing path now, and I read with so much closer attention now, I think. I relish examples of structure, specificity, details and imagery, collecting them in my head or through the furious underlining work of my pen as I read. What I loved about this collection before only multiplied a hundred-fold in this second reading, through the new writing filters I have developed over the past ten years. Orringer's characters are so vivid and specific, and the worlds she creates for them are at once both extremely complex and disarmingly simple. The stories in this collection are united by themes of youth and her characters' struggle to come to terms both with themselves and with the world around them. She contrasts light and dark so beautifully, as the innocence and youth of her characters are presented against deep, dark shades of their haunting and often disturbing circumstances. And I am crazy over her story titles - I need lots of help with that in my own work! These nine stories are richly diverse and demonstrate a fascinating, captivating range of characters, setting and plot, and even form. Yet her writing feels so very cohesive, so unmistakably her, and this is just about the highest thing I could hope for in my own writing ambitions.

If I have to pick favorites, my most-loved stories in this collection are "The Smoothest Way  Is Full of Stones," "Note to Sixth-Grade Self," "The Isabel Fish," and "Stations of the Cross." Here is one of my favorite passages from "The Smoothest Way Is Full of Stones," to give you just a taste of Ms. Orringer's gorgeous prose:

"Real bees weave above me through the grass, their bodies so velvety I want to touch them. For what feels like the first time all summer, I am alone. I rub the pebble with my thumb, imagining it to be a magic stone that will make me smaller and smaller in the tall grass. I shrink to the size of a garter snake, a leaf, a speck of dust, until I am almost invisible. There is a presence gathering around me, an iridescent light I can see through my laced eyelashes. I lie still against the earth, faint with dread, and I feel the planet spinning through space, its dizzying momentum, its unstoppable speed. It is God who makes the shadows dissolve around me. He sharpens the scent of the clover. He pushes the bees past my ears, directs the sun onto my back until my skin burns through the cotton of my Shabbos dress. I want to know what He wants and do what He wants, and I let my mind fall blank, waiting to be told."

If you are an aspiring writer, and especially interested in the craft of short stories, I highly recommend that you check out this wonderful collection!! How are you doing in your reading practice for this year? Let me know if you have any great new recommendations for me!

Order your own copy of How to Breathe Underwater here!!

(Eeek - having trouble uploading my photos like usual today! Sorry for the not-as-personal photo... will try to figure that out for the next post...)

a submission

One of the important mantras I have embraced over the past year is the quote "begin anywhere." These words helped me to start sharing my writing through my blog last year, and often come to mind as I sit down to write, no matter what I am working on. They seem most effective when I am willing to hear them over and over again. The minute I have practiced beginning one thing and then followed it through to the end, it is time to begin again, somewhere new (anywhere!). I am a self-motivated person, but I also thrive on patterns and rituals. If the patterns are thrown off when my schedule grows busy or unusual, I can become seriously lost. I am so grateful for these words, always there to remind me to start again toward my goals, to begin even when I am not sure where or how. 

Every goal on my list this year will require me to begin somewhere, and I need these words to help me keep moving forward, to help that somewhere become anywhere at all, just to get me going. Over the past three weeks, I have seen this advice take shape more clearly, more succinctly, than ever before. When I look back on the past year, I see rapid growth in my passion for writing and my willingness to take risks in order to pursue this passion. I have grown braver in sharing my writing, and I have become more confident in considering myself to be a writer. I feel proud and motivated by this growth!

But when I look at the path ahead, it is still so long! I have many hurdles ahead of me in order to discover exactly where my writing is meant to go, and what I am meant to accomplish. And the only way I can find these answers will be through a million and one more beginnings to come. I must begin again with each new step. I know I am meant to take these steps because they sit at the top of my heart, clear and strong and so exciting that it almost hurts to think about them. I know they are right because I want so much to reach these goals that have no clear path or guaranteed outcome. And even though I try to shut them down sometimes, these goals remind me of the analogy of beach balls, how the harder you try to push them down under the surface of the water, the harder and faster they come rushing back up the second they escape your control.

Last Fall, I came across an article in a newspaper advertising their annual short story contest, and I knew the second I read the article that I needed to make this contest one of my goals. Now, I realize that for many writers, this would not be a big deal - it is such an important part of the craft to submit your work far and wide and as often as possible. But this is one of those hurdles I mentioned, the ones I saw ahead of me on the path. I have never, ever officially submitted ANY writing to be published anywhere except on this blog! I was soooo scared to take this step. 

Over the past few months, I have tried to talk myself out of submitting for this contest. I have reasoned that I have not learned enough about writing, that I would certainly be submitting less-than-best writing, guaranteeing myself failure and, of course, embarrassment. I reasoned that I needed more training first. I panicked that I did not know enough about short stories to even understand what quality would be. I tried to read more short stories so that I could "learn more" about them, and subsequently freaked myself out even more as I felt the huge chasm of space between the writer's quality of writing and mine. The thing is, I have never even completed a full-length short story on my own, let alone revised or submitted one! Still, I could not shake the sense that I was meant to submit to this contest.
I began the year with this short story contest as my main, immediate goal, since the submission deadline was February 1st. Shortly after the New Year I met for coffee with my friend Chris, who is also a writer. Chris has been a great support to me this past year because we are in such similar places with our passions and ambitions for our writing: we have identified that this is what we want to do but we are both sort of feeling out how to keep reaching toward these goals. There is no one road map for this sort of journey, only the map that each of us feel as the truth inside ourselves. Chris suggested that we should start pushing ourselves to share our stories, and I told her about the short story contest and my goal to submit. Even as we laughed about how we had no idea what we were doing, we set a date to share our stories and then meet to discuss them. 

I found myself faced with a plan that I had no idea how to execute, and this forced me to begin anywhere once again. I had some story ideas started which I thought might work, but I had no idea how to turn them into something I felt good about. Soon after we met for coffee, I sat down to my desk one afternoon and determined that I would spend an hour free-writing with pen and paper. Within two paragraphs, I found myself in a story. I tried not to think too much about it but just to keep going. I worked to keep my hand moving with the current of thoughts flowing rapidly through my brain. As the story unfolded, I had to ignore the impulse to switch to my laptop (faster but more prone to editing as I go) or stop to re-read what I had written. I kept writing through the fear, through the uncertainty, and when I got stuck, I began again wherever I could think of beginning. 

After three hours of writing, I had written a very rough draft of a complete short story for the first time in my life. I started revising as I typed the story into my laptop, and then completed two more drafts of the story before I was ready to share it. When I sent the story to Chris, I felt terrified that it was going to be a failure. But when we met to discuss our stories, I found that I gained so much encouragement from sharing my experience with a friend who was cheering me on and helping me be the best I could be. After a couple more drafts based on helpful feedback, I sent my story in to the contest yesterday. And it feels SO good to have reached this goal!!

Whether or not the story is even very good, I needed to prove to myself that I could begin with this one step. I had to give myself permission that you don't have to be perfect in order to take the next step. Maybe the next step is what will teach you what you need to know in order to be the best you can be next time! This goes against everything in my nature, but deep down inside, I know it is right. This goal of submitting to the contest was necessary in order for me to believe that I can keep going and reach for my next goal, and the one after that. And someday, when I have finally published my work, I believe I will still be saying the same thing. It will always be critical to keep reaching for what I know I am meant to do next.

I still don't know how I even actually wrote this story in three hours, or how I finished drafting it in time to submit it. It may or may not ever happen again like that. But I am trying not to think too hard about it, because that is not the point, or the lesson to be learned. The lesson is to keep on beginning, again and again, with each new goal set before you. 

Be sure to check out Chris' blog WildMoo Books!! Great source for book reviews and book-inspiration of all sorts! 

book one: dreaming in french

My "Year of Reading" challenge is off to a great start so far! I have made time for reading most days and I have finished a few books so far. It feels really, really good to be making reading an important part of my days again. I can already sense the difference it is making in my life to spend that extra time with words each day. Reading fuels my imagination, my vocabulary, my passion for writing, and more. 

My first book of the year was Dreaming in French by Megan McAndrew. I tried not to put pressure on the choice of which would be my first book of the New Year. I tried not to deliberate too long or let my decision-making derail actual forward motion towards my goal. This book had come onto my radar many times since it came out in 2009, and the title and cover always caught my eye. When I found it on sale as a bargain book at an independent bookstore this past year, that was the last sign I needed that the book should be mine. And part of what I love about the whole pursuit of reading is that you often come across something very different from what you were expecting as you make your way through the pages. Whatever deliberation I had allowed myself in the end took a lovely turn towards many opposite qualities than I had expected.

I have long-fostered a guilty-pleasure appreciation for certain "chick lit" books. I think this stems from my days working in bookstores, admiring all the adorable fashion-conscious covers that would make their way from box to cart to shelf. When I have felt bogged down by my other reading sometimes-tedious classical works or super-hipster avant-garde literary works, I will often grant myself a "break" from all that work and indulge in something lighter. I have found that I cannot turn off my discernment altogether - I have attempted several books in the "chick lit" category that do not motivate me to continue past a couple of pages, whether due to writing quality or subject. But I have found a vein that I tend to love, perhaps defined as literary equivalents of one of my favorite TV guilty pleasures, "Gossip Girl." I like a novel that is witty and worldly but still romantic and feminine, peppered with fashion or other brilliant worlds to nurture all of the aesthetics I love. (Some examples: The Little Lady Agency, Bergdorf Blondes, The Nanny Diaries... forgive me if these are all outdated, I have not been keeping up with this category so well in recent years!) 

All this to say merely that I thought that Dreaming in French might fit this category, only to discover upon reading that this could NOT be further from the truth! The cover of the book is actually one of my few critiques. While it is a cute, charming cover that makes me want to hop immediately on a plane to Paris to join those fabulous girls for a cup of tea, it could not possibly represent the contents of the books any less. This is a sophisticated and very literary novel, a coming of age story beautifully written in first person, like an eloquent memoir. And while much of Charlotte's (the narrator's) story does take place against the backdrop of 1970's/1980's Paris, her story explores so many more complex themes and experiences. Paris is a character in her story, similar to her father or mother or sister or best friend. But New York City is also a character in her story, as well as Poland and the Southern US. The title, however, fits the book even more perfectly than I'd expected.

What I loved about this book was McAndrews' writing. The prose is sincere without indulging in overwrought sentimentality, and Charlotte's voice as narrator is wry and wise and really honest, even when it can be uncomfortable. I learned some things about Paris and the other fascinating places Charlotte travels, and I cared deeply about Charlotte as a character, as well as her family, which as a writer is one of the most inspiring achievements ever. But what surprised me from page to page was the eloquence of the writing. Sometimes I could acknowledge that I was less engaged with a specific portion of the story, but McAndrews' words kept me no less riveted - no skimming this one. She articulates beautifully the journey of growing older, discovering who you are, making mistakes at times and also honoring the thread of yourself that runs throughout. 

There are so many lines and passages I adored, but I was especially charmed by the book's ending (another feat I so admire in good writing!). I don't think that anything I am sharing here is a spoiler, but if you are interested in reading the book, you might want to skip this next quote!

"I had just turned thirty... It felt like a fine age for a woman, an age of dignity and possibility. It had happened almost by stealth, this assumption of womanhood, like a mantle falling gently but firmly about my shoulders. And so I wore it, even as I knew every woman's secret, that the girl still lives inside you, surprising you at odd moments; in the middle of the night, when you wake up and wonder if your mother has come home yet, or at a party, as you stand, a little self-conscious at the edge of the floor, your foot tapping to the music, hoping that you look all right, that no one can tell you're nervous, that someone  will notice you and ask you to dance." -Megan McAndrews, Dreaming in French 

Has it been a "Year of Reading" for you so far?? I hope it has. I have loved hearing from a few of you on what books you have read or will read next - please keep sharing! We all have to meet our next favorite books somehow, and often they come to us through recommendations, whether in person or through merchandising, reviews, etc.  I hope that you will share your favorites with me, and perhaps they might, in turn, become my favorites, too!?

my "year of reading" challenge!

I have always loved to read, but the older I get, the less I seem to be reading. Since I am a goal-maker, reading always factors in as one of my New Year's goals, in hopes that I will turn the tide and become a more avid reader again. Last year, I set a very ambitious reading goal since I knew I might have a little more time on my hands. Once again, I proved that I am quite the overreacher (see "Idealist" or "ENFJ"... sorry, the New Year brings this up even more than usual!). Last year's goal? Oh, just a mere fifty books. "One per week, with a couple of weeks to spare," I reasoned logically. And my actual year-end count? To be honest, I have not been willing to calculate. I even avoided keeping track on Goodreads, which I typically love to do, because I knew I was horribly short of my goal. Without being willing to calculate specifics and rub my nose further in my failure, I would estimate that I read less than ten books last year.

As I made my New Year's goals this year, I tried to think this matter through so as not to repeat again next year. After all, I absolutely LOVE to read. I had a more flexible schedule last year than ever before. How did I not read more books?? And here is my realization: 

I have considered reading to be a "privilege" rather than a "priority."

I know, logically, that the best writers are also likely to be the best readers. I firmly believe this, and have always considered reading to be important in my writing practice. But since I truly love to read, I have thought of it as a reward that takes its place in line after all of the things that "need" to be done. I need to do housework, and keep up with my never-ending to-do list of errands and tasks, and even to work at my writing! Taking time out to indulge in habits that feel like "privileges" usually makes me feel guilty in the face of all those things that need doing. Reading has been something I will get to later, as a reward, when the rest of my tasks are completed. But we all know that the rest of those things never get done, especially for a person like me, whose list grows faster than its items are checked off. 

This year, I will make reading a "priority," and allow the "privilege" of it to be a bonus perk. I have amended my goal from last year, from fifty books down to just twenty-five, which is an average of one book every two weeks. I want to be certain I can achieve my goal this year! And I am setting very loose parameters, because I want to do everything possible to nurture this passion and see what will come of granting it "priority" status in my life. I have come across SO many different reading challenges online, from reading books you already own, to reading the classics, to reading particular authors. And there are so many ambitious and themed challenges to which I aspire to one day participate myself! But my reading goal for this year is another chance to start small. I would rather hit my goal and then go on to blow that goal away than set the goal so high that I give up before I have even tried. So I am committing here, to myself and to you, that in this "Year of Reading," I will read at least twenty-five books. I am not going to plan which books ahead of time, or limit myself to any genre or guidelines - I am going to read for the love of reading alone.

I would love it if any of you would like to join me in my "Year of Reading" Challenge! There is no particular reading list (although of course I will share what I'm reading in case you want recommendations) nor any more specific parameters than this: Read twenty-five books in 2013. Any genre, any length, any books your heart desires! Audiobooks, E-books, picture books, or re-reads: nothing is off-limits! And you don't even have to tell anyone what you have read, or review it, or do anything more than keep count on a list for yourself. If you are already participating in another type of reading challenge or book club, great! That will make it simpler for you to choose which twenty-five books will define your "Year of Reading!" And if twenty-five sounds like a higher number than is realistic for you, then I encourage you to create your own challenge of a reachable number that would make you feel proud at the end of this year. Let me know if it sounds like fun or if you could use a cheerleader along the way, and definitely look me up on Goodreads for lots of my reading recommendations!!

Here's to a wonderful "Year of Reading"!!!

(The books in the the pictures are some of my potential reads for this year to come! No promises though... hehe)

artist date: the met at the movies

For a long time now, I have fancied myself an "opera-lover," without ever actually having been to the opera. Opera is one of the many passions I imagine myself pursuing one day, the kind of thing that I adore aesthetically, from a complete outsider's perspective, with no actual personal experience to back this up. The only opera I had experienced up until now was a performance of "The Marriage of Figaro" at my small Midwestern liberal arts university many, many years ago, and I hardly remember that performance. But each time I walk past Chicago's Civic Opera House on my commutes into the city, I remind myself of my goal to someday experience an opera there. 

My curiosity is often restricted by my lack of knowledge. The deep-seated desire to know ALL about a certain topic or experience holds me back from actually realizing the dreams themselves. And so my curiosity becomes enslaved to the particular order of discovery which I connect to a given dream. I have long imagined that someday, I would finally read a book about the history of opera, and acquire at least a novice-level of knowledge before daring to experience the opera itself. Someday, I would look up the schedule for a season of Lyric Opera of Chicago performances. Someday, I would research the entire season of operas and pick the one that seemed my favorite. I would listen to the opera highlights and read the libretto thoroughly in preparation for the experience. And finally, one majestic day, I would dress up in my finest and walk through the doors of the Civic Opera House for my very first night at the Opera. It was always going to be glorious. 

This dream has existed for at least twelve years now, since I moved back to Chicago and noticed the grandeur of the historic Opera House, since I heard tourists and society folks discussing this or that performance when I worked downtown. Sometime in the past couple of years, I heard about The Met Opera Live in HD, a program which broadcasts performances from New York's Metropolitan Opera onto movie theater screens across the world. A couple of local theaters are part of this screening experience, and I have noticed little schedule cards at the ticket windows advertising which operas will be playing each season. While this program piqued my interest, I pushed it down as secondary to my Grand Opera Plan, and filed it away as part of the would-be follow-up plan, when I would discover that I loved the Opera as much as I had hoped and develop an insatiable desire for as much opera as possible. 

But this year, I want to work on starting small. My grand-scale dreams are a regular issue for me, as I tend to build ideals up to be so big, so specific, so ordered that I am exhausted before I can even begin to realize them. (If there are any other ENFJ's out there, I know you know exactly what I'm talking about!! And perhaps there are other personality types who struggle with this too?) This is a pitfall that carries over into my writing, too, and one of the most paralyzing behaviors that often blocks me creatively. As I am getting back into my daily routines, and starting this brand-new year, I am trying to keep those words, "start small," at top of mind. Maybe, just maybe, I will actually follow through on some of these dreams this year. 

So I picked up the latest schedule for The Met Opera Live in HD, and thought this would be a really great way for me to start small! I decided to make an artist date of it, which I knew would help me keep my priorities and goals in mind for the experience: inspiration and openness to see where curiosity might lead my inner artist. The next opera scheduled was "Les Troyens" by Hector Berlioz. I was happy to see it was a French opera, since I am a little bit familiar with French language, but I did not allow myself any more "research" than to check my calendar and buy the ticket. The morning of the performance, I double-checked the time and noticed that the opera I had chosen happened to be over FIVE hours long. "Oh well," I thought, "Go big or go home!" 

When I arrived at the theater, the gentleman taking tickets handed me a synopsis page and I joined the small group that had gathered in the theater to await the performance. I settled in my seat, where I enjoyed a perfect view, since the theater wasn't very crowded. And I felt a stirring excitement at the fact that I was finally going to experience something I had anticipated for so long, even as I gave myself permission to be honest if it was something I did not end up loving. As the orchestra began tuning, and the broadcast's host explained the history of the opera we were about to experience, I became giddy and more eager than I had imagined! The broadcast was incredibly well-executed, with added perks of close-up camera angles and behind-the-scenes interviews with the opera's primary performers during each intermission (there were two, as was obviously necessitated by a five-hour performance, hehe). The synopsis, narration during intermissions, and subtitles made it simple to follow. The theater environment combined with excellent broadcast direction and high-quality HD filming truly felt like the next-best-thing to being there in person. My heart soared with the lovely score and breathtaking vocal performances, and I giggled as my fellow audience clapped for the performers who would never hear them. But I understood, because I felt like clapping, too. So much joy, so much pain, such an interesting intersection of music, theater, language, and design: I am truly an opera-lover, at least this particular opera.

I believe that curiosity sparks more curiosity, and that this is a principle gift of creative practice. And while I am still well-below even novice-level in my knowledge of opera, I learned a lot from "Les Troyens." The opera was based on Virgil's Aeneid, and is considered Berlioz's most ambitious work. The composer himself never witnessed a full performance of his work, since the first occasion of its entire performance in one evening, as he had intended, did not occur until 50 years after his death. Due to its length and scale, "Les Troyens" is rarely performed, and can only be performed as intended by certain opera houses. And we were privileged to witness performer Bryan Hymel making his Met debut in the role of Aeneas, which he executed beautifully despite his last-minute substitution into the role in the place of the performer originally cast. 

I am eager to learn more about Berlioz, to hear more of his work, to read the libretto of this opera, to listen to recordings of this amazing work, and to revisit Virgil's Aeneid, which I only read in school in excerpts. More than anything, I am excited to continue my Adventures in Opera, one small step at a time. 

(Learn more about The Met's HD Live performances here!)

courage!

Today feels like a Monday for me, since it is the first "normal" day of this brand new year, and I am basking in the glow of fresh starts! But as always, there are waves of fear that wash over in between the joys of motivation and passion. As I consider my goals and spend this lovely, sunny day officially beginning my new year, I am taking comfort in this quote: 

"Creativity takes courage." -Henri Matisse

I first read the quote on Pinterest and of course repinned it immediately! Just three simple words to remind me that although creative work will sometimes be really hard, it will always be noble and always completely worth it to pull through the fear and keep on pressing toward my goals.  

For my birthday a couple months back, my amazing friend Mandy (who is an incredible artist and painted the artwork featured in my blog header, too!) made me this beautiful custom piece of art. She found the quote on my Pinterest board of inspiring words and chose these words to grace her lovely artwork gift! I love the way that the words are "uncovered" beneath the dreamy whitewash layer to reveal some of my favorite colors all swirled together! Mandy knows me really, really well. Along with the quote, the painting's layers remind me how so many passions and various but particular inspirations mix together to represent my creative self! 

As I begin this new year and reach toward my goals in writing, creating and growing as a person in every way I can, I am grateful to have these words by my side! One of my projects on my list of goals is to put up artwork in my writing space to create a more inspiring environment for myself. I know that this artwork with its important quote will be a centerpiece of my inspiration wall. And these words are my wish for YOU, too, as you begin your own year of adventure! May you feel the gift of courage wash over you and keep you happy company on your own creative journey... xo

the week of in-between

There is no other time in the year that consistently defines "in-between" like this week between Christmas and New Years Day. All the intensity, festivity and community of Christmas begins to wind down, at different paces for every life, and this week is our countdown to the New Year's beginning. I love the chance to create new goals and aims for my life, and obviously this energy of possibility and fresh new starts is familiar for most people in the tradition of New Year's Resolutions. Do you feel energized by this transition week?

Our Christmas was amazing, filled with so many gifts both literal and figurative. Among my favorite figurative gifts: harmony, thoughtfulness, a mix of traditions new and old, and childlike wonder and joy. We savored every single minute we could with family and friends, cozy fires, Christmas records, Christmas movies and the dreamy glow of the Christmas tree as it decorated the walls with tiny, glittery sparkles. I hope you had an amazing Christmas, too!!

And then Christmas ends for everyone, perhaps trickling over a day or two or maybe this whole week of in-between. I don't mean to sound overdramatic, or overly melancholy. If Christmas happened all year long, it wouldn't hold the magic that it does for so many people. The better my Christmas, the more I feel at peace to let all its gifts of joy and love and cheer energize me going forward into the New Year. So in this week of in-between, I am unwinding gently from the jam-packed daily schedules and the endless post-it note t0-do lists that have decorated every surface of my life in recent months. I am uncovering my desk again, and getting back to the daily practices that nurture my creative soul. I am embracing silence again, and learning how to enjoy the gift of blank space, within and without. I am seeking a sort of detox in my days, to help prepare me for the gift of a brand new year.

I am considering the start of this New Year to come: what kinds of goals do I want to embrace and set for myself? I love this goal-setting process, but if I over think it or do not practice gentleness in my expectations, I can turn it into a punitive chore that rubs my nose in my failures from years past. As much as I want to be goal-driven all year long and not join the ranks of all the people who only set goals at the New Year, there is a reason this tradition of goal-setting has stood the test of time. There is something that just feels more significant about the official start of a brand new year, a year that is documented differently from any other even simply each time we have to write the date on something.

How do you create goals? Reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (read my thoughts here!) has given me some great new perspective on goals this year, and I have been saving the accompanying Happiness Project One-Sentense Journal and her new book, Happier At Home as fresh starts for my New Year. I am obviously really motivated by structured goals, checklists, and specificity, but sometimes that can limit me too, so I am trying to open my mind to consider the idea of "goals" from more varied perspectives! 

I am really lucky to have some amazing friends who inspire me with their own creative lives and accomplishments! I was really inspired by this post from our friend Elsie! Her "28 before 29" concept helped me to realize how important it is that goals always be growing and changing and developing. Her list challenged me to be more ambitious, and this is one of my favorite things about Elsie. Watching her achieve her dreams and reach for new ones inspires me a lot! Her post made me reflect on how limited my goals had been year to year, sort of a broken record that only made me feel worse about myself every time I replayed it. So last year, as I made my goals, I tried to be inventive, specific and ambitious, and one of my goals that I wrote down but didn't tell anyone for a long time was to begin this blog. Sometimes you have to write it down just to admit a goal to yourself, before you can see where it will lead you! 

If you're not an obsessive list-maker like I am, there are still SO many ways to consider your goals and find inspiration to make your New Year what you want it to be. Our friend Heidi, who is an ambitious, creative storyteller and artist, recently told us that  at the beginning of the New Year, she often chooses a word that she wants to define her year to come. Focusing on that word has helped her to clearly aim her choices and goals throughout the year in line with that theme. I haven't thought of a word yet for myself, but I really love this idea and what a great challenge, especially for someone as obsessed with words as I am! What would your word be?

I want this week of in-between, these last two days before the New Year officially begins, to build me up and make me feel excited for the year to come. I want to review the growth of the year that has just passed, and see the incredible potential in beginning again. How do you think about your goals and prepare to make new ones? Is your list already made or do you wait until the New Year starts? Are you a list maker or do you think more abstractly about your goals? I would love to hear how this works for you so I can consider my own goals from more perspectives! 

(Loved the way these display windows at Anderson's Bookshop in Downtown Naperville mixed Christmas decor with one of my favorite things: books!)

december joy

I am finally feeling December. Usually, November helps me out a little bit more, one week unfolding into the next and building up joy and anticipation so that December can arrive with a flourish. But November was not my favorite this year. I gave the best I could to my NaNoWriMo project but in the end the best I could give to myself was to let go and accept that I could not make my goal. I am proud of myself for trying (and proud of all of you who tried, too! Did you make it??), and I am proud of myself for being able to let go. Some of our friends wisely use the term "seasons" to describe the months and years of their lives and relationships, and I am learning to apply this term to myself and my writing, as well. This season was not for finishing, but for learning to be gentle and accept that what might be best in one season is not necessarily what is best in the next.

But now it is December, and though I have been tempted to wallow in that leftover sense of defeat from November, I do not want to miss any more hours or days or weeks! I want to be here, now. What do you love about December?? I love the consistency of the holiday season, the decorations of red and gold and green which can be counted on to grace the fronts of buildings and shop windows everywhere you look. I love the traditions passed down from year to year, from activities to projects to the quest for perfect gifts. I love the sparkle of holiday lights that migrates down each block, beginning with one house and then spreading to another and another. 

Last week, I set out on a mission of a different sort: to soak up the holiday season for a couple of hours and help my brain transition into this lovely month. I want to be present for this season, to absorb and experience all of the days that are left in this year. My camera helps me see more, pay more attention to the world around me, slow down as I move from place to place and notice more of what I pass on my way.

These tiniest of moments, like this little spot on the tree - full of red berries and glittery gold and even a pink flower! - are what make the season bright for me.

And that moment when the lights blink on, as dusk settles over the bustling town. One of my favorite parts of Christmas is when the streets go from mostly-normal to completely-extraordinary, all in a single second.

And the little bits of cheer just keep on going, everywhere you look, and they are my reminder (if I will listen!) to slow down, pay attention, and let the hours count.
What are your December joys?? I would love to hear about them, and I promise to keep sharing the joys I discover myself throughout this month, too! xo

if at first you don't succeed...

My last two NaNoWriMo projects went really well overall. I thrived on the discipline of sitting down to write with such a specific goal in mind. And I felt proud each day when I had achieved my words. It was not always easy or fun, but the end goal of achieving 50K words felt like its own reward and generally kept me going. If I missed a day, the result was that I felt even more determined to get back on track the next day. By the end of each project, despite this discipline, I had fallen behind on my word count and my daily goals had grown steep in order to finish on time. But I was really motivated by all the discipline I had exercised in keeping up as well as I had. And so on the last two or three days of each project, even though my word count goal had grown higher in order to finish out my commitment, I felt the reward right around the corner and could not bear to give up. Each year, I hit my goal and felt a rush of rewards gained from that sense of accomplishment. 

This year has been the one to break my NaNoWriMo cycle of motivation. Despite all these little captured moments of sugar and caffeine motivation over the past few weeks, I have missed so many days of NaNoWriMo writing. I have felt more tempted than ever to throw in the towel and let myself give up on my goal. Life has thrown some curveballs, and I could tabulate and analyze them to death. But in doing so, I would put off my project a little longer and probably even find a way to justify it to myself. But yesterday, when I sat down and calculated how far behind I had fallen and what it would take to make up the difference, I could not bring myself to give up. I think it is really important to face failure in life, and to accept that sometimes we simply do not live up to our own ambitions or expectations. But I guess what I am realizing is that the failures I believe in facing are the situations when I at least know I have really tried. Sometimes embracing failure does require me to completely let go of a goal or expectation I have placed on myself. But sometimes it means I have to pick back up and keep on going. 

At this point, it will take 3000 words per day for me to hit my NaNoWriMo word count goal on time. I achieved 3000 words yesterday, and I just finished 3000 more to achieve today's goal. Two days accomplished out of eleven remind me that it is possible for to make it there. As I sit down each day with this goal that has grown so much more daunting,  it will be easy to feel defeated going in. And there is no guarantee that the quality of the words will increase with the quantity. But that was never the point of this project, only a sideline goal. The project is an exercise in disciplined writing time, a chance to focus my energy on a challenging goal. And this brings me back to my idea of failure vs. success. I believe that sometimes giving up, or letting go, is failure, and sometimes it is a gift of self-love. How do you know the difference? By digging deep and answering honestly. What motivated your goal in the first place? Was it a reasonable goal? Did you "fail" because you didn't try, or because the goal was too hard? Those answers can only lie deep within each of our own hearts and minds. If we accept failure without a deep sense of peace, then we will position ourselves as our own worst enemy.

I am facing failure aplenty. I have failed to keep up with my words, I have failed to produce the quality of writing I had dreamed of for this project. But I am not ready to give up, and because I am not ready, to do so would be to fail my very self. What I feel deep inside is not a desire to let go, but to keep on fighting. I can make sure that I do not miss my goal without giving the best fight I can. So I will do everything I can to sit down to the page for these next nine days to write my three thousand words. And if I miss a day, I will have to write more. But if I give up on my goal, I am not simply facing failure, I am giving myself over to it entirely, against the better judgment of my own heart and mind and conscience. 

Wherever you are yourself with your own writing or creating, NaNoWriMo or otherwise, I hope you can find the gifts of self-knowledge and peace that will help you know your own parameters of failure and success. And for my part, I am going to do my very best to keep on keeping on... and perhaps my leftover birthday cupcakes will help keep me going! 

(Can you believe my local Sprinkles has a Cupcake ATM?!? It is there for a reward at any time of day or night... look here to see if your city has one!!)

birthday joy

Our life has been absolute mayhem lately with moving and traveling and NaNoWriMo and all sorts of other good-but-exhausting circumstances. Order and organization have become unfamiliar concepts, and planning ahead has meant thinking about what needs to happen five minutes from now. And right smack-dab in the middle of it all, my birthday arrived. 

I am always a little bit sentimental and melancholy about birthdays. I try to tell myself that they are just another day, that there are 364 other days that matter, too! But I have never succeeded in reducing the weight I attribute to this particular day each year. On birthdays, I feel the passing of time more acutely. I become overwhelmed with the importance of the year to follow, wanting so much to make this one count even more than the last. But against the backdrop of chaos in our life lately, this birthday turned out to be a day of opposites, in many ways. Usually, I love to have things planned out in advance: amazing adventures which will make the day memorable for all time! But this year, as my kind husband tried to anticipate how he could make my birthday special, I hardly wanted to think about it, let alone make any hard, fast plans. All I could think about was how many things still need to be put away in our new space, and how much laundry needs to be done, and how discouraged I am from falling behind on my NaNoWriMo project. I went to sleep with a heavy heart and wished I could push my birthday off a month or two.
But these are the moments when I am so grateful that Ryan knows me so well and cares so much. I woke up to discover a trail of thoughtful notes and gifts and these beautiful flowers (which just might be the prettiest roses I have ever seen!!). And I was given a chance to let go of my anxiety and exhaustion and let these gifts of love soak in to nourish my weary heart. As phone calls came in from friends and family, the love began to multiply. And while I still did not feel entirely like myself, we decided to find a way to make the day count with some spontaneous city adventures.

There are so many places I have wanted to check out in Chicago for awhile now, and what better day to explore a bit? First, we visited Bite Cafe in Ukranian Village, which was super cute and had delicious food! I ordered the tomato sandwiches, on melt-in-your-mouth biscuits and dressed with yummy kimchi for amazing flavor. I love that the salt and pepper shakers are different sizes! It's all in the details, right?


Our next stop was shopping fun, which was super inspiring although we did not end up buying much. We visited Sprout Home, where I was absolutely amazed by the selection of plants and containers and pretty things in general!! It is SUCH a beautiful store and you MUST visit if you are ever in the area! I found a couple of vessels for some air plants I got recently, and I love that every time I see them, I will think of this wonderful shop!


After wandering the neighborhood for awhile and visiting many different shops, we landed at Big Shoulders Coffee, a newish shop/roaster in Chicago which I've wanted to try for some time. Ryan was a good sport even though he is not a coffee drinker and we shared conversation over my French press experience. As is my tradition, I picked up a bag of beans to bring back home - this always helps me to savor my coffee shop experiences even more and provides good fuel for my days of writing.

I am reminded of how much I love my city. All the beautiful, unique wonders of the busy world around us filled me up again and inspired me so much. My day of exploration reconnected me to my creative passion and reminded me to open my eyes wide and soak in the world around me. It is so easy to become mired in the never-ending list of tasks and responsibilities, especially in times of transition and stress.

We ended our city adventure at Mana Food Bar, a vegetarian restaurant we have wanted to visit for a while now. The only picture I managed to take in this wonderful place was of the menu, because once the food started to come my attention was completely monopolized by the deliciousness of each small plate in front of me.

My birthday was cured by a simple return to beautiful gifts in life which inspire me: good food, the city, pretty things, love from friends, and quality time with my favorite person. This birthday broke the mold, and reminded me that sometimes the feelings follow the actions and not vice versa. Is this true for you, too??

nanowrimo 2012: day one

Today is NaNoWriMo Day One, and I planned for this day to begin very differently. When I posted two weeks ago about my plan to participate again in National Novel Writing Month this November, I had grand plans for that two-week countdown. I was going to research and plan some sort of outline approach for my project this year. I was going to cull through old writings and collect paths to be followed in this work. I was going to be prepared. This preparedness is a regular ambition of mine, which applies to most things I attempt, from cleaning to crafting down to every single thing on my million lists. I am an Idealist (ENFJ, remember?), and this natural ambition is a gift but can also often feel a curse.

Art: Old Souvenirs, by John F. Peto

Here is what I actually achieved in this past two weeks: no planning, no research, no outline, and almost no actual writing, if I'm being honest. Even my morning pages have gotten the shaft more days than I would like to admit. This happened partly because I do this thing with my ambition, like when one person has such a crush on another person that they freak their crush out before the crush is even interested in getting to know them at all. I have a crush on my ambition, or ideal, and sometimes I can kill it before I even get to know it better. I realize that is a lame and very high school analogy (middle school?? elementary?? lower?!?), but hopefully you catch my drift. I wanted so badly to be ready for a great NaNoWriMo that I put off getting ready because I was afraid I wouldn't be. How masochistic of me, and yet this can be a very repetitive pattern in my life.   

The other half of the story is that we had to pull off an unexpected move over these past couple of weeks, from one home to another. The circumstances of the move have been complicated and annoying, but everyone is healthy and there are no real disasters involved. The move has been quite a pain, but I know there are so many worse things you can face. I am a firm believer in trying hard to protect your creativity no matter what the obstacle, and I failed my own beliefs as my writing slipped away from me a bit throughout this process. But I also was really encouraged to realize how much I missed my writing time and creative practice. And I found myself really motivated to complete as much of the moving and organizing as possible before today, because I really wanted to create more space again in my days for this project. 

Art: Office Board, by John F. Peto

As I woke up this morning, I felt a mixture of anxiety and anticipation about my NaNoWriMo beginning. I was eager to dive in and get going, but the nagging thought persisted that I had not prepared as I intended. I did my best to shut down the ugly thoughts and lean into the gifts of present possibility. I had a whole day to spend unraveling my creative practice and my NaNoWriMo project however it needed to happen. I began with morning pages, coffee, a good breakfast, and prayers for the ability to be honest, gentle and disciplined with myself as I entered my practice. I sat down to write, and glanced quickly through some old notes from prior attempts to work on this project. I caught wind of one of those ideas, and I made myself start typing. 

Two thousand words later, I had reached my goal! (2028 words, to be exact- I try to begin with a more ambitious goal to help pad those days which will prove harder later.) And while it did require honesty, gentleness and self-discipline, I was reminded of exactly what it is I love about this project. I had forgotten to register on the website that I would be participating in the project this year, and so when I went online today to register, I found just the message I needed. The tagline for National Novel Writing Month, taken directly from their website, is "Thirty days and nights of literary abandon."

My work will require organization, preparedness, and discipline in many of its stages. But the stage I need most right now, which I couldn't even see clearly until I was done with today's writing, is this goal of "literary abandon." I need to keep my bottom in the chair and get the words out onto the page. I need to work with my words until a form begins to emerge and I need to follow my thoughts until I learn more about where, exactly, they are leading me. 

Art: The 49 States, by Matthew Jensen

Happy November and Happy National Novel Writing Month!! I hope that each of you are embracing a chance for creative abandon in your own life, whatever form it takes for you. And if any of you decided to participate in NaNoWriMo along with me, I am here cheering you on and wishing you well!!

(These photos were taken a month or so ago on a quick trip to NYC - my first time ever visiting, can you believe it?! We had a busy couple of days but spent one amazing hour at the Met, and these were a couple of pieces of art that caught my eye. These works offer a lovely reminder to me of the way that art often comes in layers, through consistent pursuit of something that is not yet fully known.)